*This entry is being written b/c I want to remember what our early days were like. I want to see how far God has brought us, but I also want to be able to understand what new missionaries are experiencing. Due to some of our interactions with veteran missionaries, I think it is easy for them to forget - perhaps because of the passing of time or even differences between their ministries and ours.
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It wasn't too long after we arrived here that I asked myself, "What have we done?"
I was experiencing some major transition stress. There is nothing like packing your belongings and leaving everything you know and love behind. Everything. It's not just about your favorite restaurant, Wal*mart, and your pet bird (whose name is Beaker). It's not just about your family and friends. You leave your normal, your culture, your way of doing things, your ability to communicate. Across the ocean. You enter a new normal, a new culture, a new way of doing things (anything!), and a new way of communicating. It's probably the closest experience to being deaf and dumb that a completely healthy person can have. You don't even realize how much you do innately until you're in a culture where you don't know how to do anything innately.
It didn't help that the last couple weeks of our time in the States was truly like a whirlwind and involved shipping a container, moving out of our house on my birthday (while sick), and saying lots of emotional good-byes - not the least of which were the boys' last day at school and our last Sunday at church. There were things I would have liked to have done, but didn't have time. I also didn't get to say good-bye to my grandma, which really bothered me (and still does). It was partially by choice, but that choice was made only after realizing that going could be worse for me, and most especially for the boys, because of the involvement of another family member.
I think another factor was that I should have balled more. I did cry, but the day we left I didn't really shed any tears. I was too focused on not forgetting anything, weighing bags, writing last minute thank you notes on the way to the airport, keeping track of three boys, and getting through security with ten carry-ons and a pillow. (Never again!) On my wedding day I held back tears all before the ceremony - nervous energy, I suppose. As a result, I cried while walking down the aisle. Not my best memory, for sure! In the picture, my dad looks stoic and I look like I'm being forced to marry a man I'd never met before. Anyway, as a result, those pent-up tears came in the weeks after we arrived.
There was an inward battle as I would on one hand ask myself, "What have we done to our children? What are we doing here? Will I ever feel effective in ministry again?" and on the other, "Shouldn't you be happy that you've finally gotten here? Why aren't you excited that your dream has come true?" As I wrote in another post, the ups and downs were at times intense. I'm thankful that God gave us "ups", such as visitors, to look forward to because at times, that was about all that was carrying me through the low points. He also used cards and notes that fellow church members had written for our commissioning service to remind me of helpful Scriptures and the assurance of their prayers.
I also remember thinking, "Four years? How can I do this for four years? I can't stay here this long."
Believe it or not, because I hardly can, we celebrated our one year anniversary on March 21st. As I look back, the year has gone by extremely quickly, though there were days, and even weeks, that seemed to drag by. I have not forgotten the early days when I would anticipate going to bed at night and would wake up dreading the beginning of another day. But now, I don't dread the days any more. That's not to say I'm a morning person (ha!), but I don't open my eyes and immediately dread what is to come. We have settled into a routine and the ebb and flow of normal life (a new normal anyway!).
As far as our children, I strive to focus on what they are being given as a result of living internationally and learning another language. To be sure they face challenges of their own, especially going to school, but we hope that in the end, they will look back at this experience as a life-shaping and life-changing experience - in a good way. It's hard to know what their perspective of it will be like as teenagers and adults so right now I need to give that part over to the Lord. I also need to remember that the things I think they are missing out on may not even be something they're worried about. And what are they really missing out on when I view life as God views it? Should I really be that worried about story time at the library or summer soccer? Instead I need to focus on what they have been given - new words, new foods, new friends, cultural awareness, exposure to world history, international travel, and the opportunity to visit beautiful places (such as Budapest, Krakow, Vienna, and Prague). Who wouldn't want to experience those things? Okay, there may be a few home-bodies out there that wouldn't necessarily find all that fun, but.....
As for myself, I do still miss our family and friends. I especially miss our church. When I get on fb on Mondays and read about the blessings people gained from worshiping in their church, I still feel a little pang of desire for that same experience. I miss singing and hearing sermons in English as I still don't understand all that is being sung or said. And sometimes I still feel ineffective in ministry - very ineffective. But through all of those ongoing struggles, God has been and is teaching me a lot about myself and why we are here. He is teaching me more about what is truly important in life. And I'm striving to remember that effectiveness in ministry is not based on me - it is God who works in hearts and lives. He uses us to help in that process, but ultimately He doesn't need us to do His work. Sometimes it takes feeling ineffective to realize that truth.
I am thankful for all God has brought us through over the past year and I know that in His strength we can get through the next three before furlough. He knows what we will need and what we will face. He can equip us to face what comes. He can help us as we continue to learn the language. And most likely in a few years I'll be looking back at all four as if they passed in a flash - just like the first year did.
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