My parents and I moved to a duplex when I was 12. Outside my pink, flowery bedroom, in the hallway, was a phone which hung on the wall. It was the old style phone - the kind that kept you in one place because it had a plastic, curved, always tangling cord hanging from it.
One morning that phone rang and my dad answered. I don't remember what my dad said during that conversation, but I well remember his heart-broken reaction. A family on our church's inner-city bus route, which he led, had a house fire in the night. Four family members had been killed, including three brothers and one of their sisters, who was a twin. One of the brothers died from going back in to save the others when he heard their cries for help. It was devastating news.
Nearly twenty years later I was getting myself and the older two boys ready for church on New Year's Day. Jason had gone ahead to the church to get ready for the service. The phone rang, which was very strange for a Sunday morning. I answered and heard my sister-in-law's voice on the other end. "Dad had a heart attack....and he died." I still remember the disbelief, the utter shock. I was sure it was a mistake and that they could bring him back. It had to be a mistake. It had to be.
Stop and go. When you lose someone that you know and love, you feel as if the world stops. And those immediately around you tend to stop with you as well. Eventually the world starts spinning again and when it does the reality hits. This happened for us when we returned back home after two weeks with Jason's mom. We came home to all the Christmas decorations and a collection of sympathy cards. Jason had to go back to his work at the church. I needed to continue caring for our home and the boys. The world was beginning to spin again and we were not ready to get back on. This is when those who are mourning need support from their family and friends. The mourning process goes on for weeks, months, and for some, even years. All the holidays, special days, and events that occur over that first year bring to mind the one you have lost. Christmas and New Year's will be difficult, as well as the first birthday, Mother's Day/Father's Day, and even special events that were already planned such as parties or vacations. Dad Rice's birthday came just four weeks after he died, so we had an emotional hurdle to cross at the very beginning.
Everyone grieves differently. This can cause a lot of stress and even strife as each family member handles it in their own way. On the first anniversary of Jason's dad's death, I had certain ideas of what we should do on that day. We didn't do any of those things. We almost acted as if it was just any other day. We didn't celebrate it quite like other New Year Day's, but it certainly wasn't as poignant as I expected it to be. I was internally devastated, but everyone else seemed fine. On another occasion we pulled out some family videos. We were all enjoying them and it seemed especially good for Jason's sister, who was only 14 when her dad died. Jason's mom became consumed with tears and couldn't be in the room. We turned them off and never played them again.
We want to remember. We will never forget those we have lost. Parents will never forget their children. Siblings will always remember the brother or sister they lost too young. Grandparents will live on in our memories. Times with friends will be treasured. We want to remember Jason's dad as well. As we passed the 7th anniversary of his death recently, it pained me that his memory is not more fresh in my mind. There is a fear that comes with the thought that one might be forgetting. My boys do not personally remember their grandpop. Four grandsons and two granddaughters have been born since he passed away. All they have are pictures (we looked at some recently) and what we tell them. Don't be afraid to talk about that person and let those who have lost talk about them too. Last Christmas Jason's mom, stepdad, and all the guys and kids decided to go to a hunting supply store to spend some gift cards. Julie (J's sister), Leah (J's stepsister) and I stayed home and decided to watch a class movie. When it was done, and I don't really know how or why, we started talking about her mom and Julie's dad. Her mom died from cancer in mid-December of 2009 and the anniversary of Dad Rice's death was quickly approaching (Jan. 1, 2006). It felt so good to talk about them and to remember them with each other. I think it also gave us a new and needed bond with Leah as she realized we did understand what she was going through even though our loss was longer ago.
I started this post in December after all those sweet children were lost in Connecticut. No one can truly fathom the horror those families experienced and will continue to relive for years to come. What I didn't know then is that I would once again experience loss myself. My grandfather passed away on Dec. 19, just four days after entering the hospital with sepsis. He was 87.
I struggled with his loss - probably more than I thought I would. Maybe it was because it was somewhat sudden. He felt fine Saturday morning and was gone by Wednesday evening. He's had sepsis several times before and always recovered. Why not this time? I didn't get the chance to say a proper good-bye. My mom held her cell phone up to his ear while he was under sedation and I talked to him (or rather at him), but I wish it could have been in person. I was hoping to return for the funeral, but because of it being right at the time of our first Christmas here and not wanting to miss the boys' program at church, I couldn't be there for the time the family decided to have it. Also, I felt very alone. Jason and the boys were also sad, but it wasn't quite the same for them. And of course no one here knew my grandpa and most didn't even know what had happened. Christmas was coming and I felt I needed to act "normally" so the boys would have a good Christmas and not be affected by my sadness.
Thankfully the Lord brought me through that time. It wasn't at all easy, but He brought me through it. I struggled with a variety of emotions and I realized that most of them were rooted in sin. My sadness wasn't, but my anger, frustration, selfishness, and judgmental spirit were. I saw a lot of ugliness from within that I didn't like and I needed to give all those things over to the Lord. I am thankful He showed me the truth about myself.
I am thankful that in times of loss we have a Savior we can look to. We can rejoice that those who have been lost are in Heaven if they have accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior. We can use this truth to spur us to share the gift of salvation with the friends and family around us, so they have assurance of their home in Heaven as well.
"For to me, to live is Christ, but to die is gain." Philippians 1:21
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