That Feeling Called....

.....inward panic.

I have felt this feeling many times since moving here to Slovakia. For quite some time I felt that way every time we had to go through the check out at the grocery store, especially if I was by myself. It was the fear of the unknown or the fear that I wouldn't know how to respond to something. Now that I am understanding more and able to communicate better, I don't really feel that way anymore.

Here's just one such example before I continue. One night I ran into the store by myself while Jason and the boys waited in the car. I thought I had cash, which typically makes the process go more smoothly. As I bought my items, I checked in my purse. I did not have enough cash to cover the purchase. That fluttery feeling of nervousness started in my chest. I realized I would have to use my credit card - something I did not want to do for a variety of reasons. Succumbing to the realization that I had no choice, I began scanning the cashiers. Who's the youngest? Who might know English? I decided on a young lady who was singing along with the English music playing on the sound system. This doesn't necessarily mean a person knows English, though. I thought of all the things that could go wrong with the credit card and how I would respond. Right after she swiped the card, she said something to me. I had already thought about what I would say if it didn't work.

"Nefunguje?" (It's not working?)

She looked at me and replied in English, "I don't have a pen." (Another classic credit card issue here - always be ready with your own pen.) I had to laugh at myself later because I was so mentally prepared for the card to not work that I didn't understand, "Nemam pero."

When I know I'm going to have to speak in Slovak I get that feeling again. I go over what I need to say numerous times, inwardly critiquing my word choices and word endings. Is it right? Will they understand me? What if it doesn't come out right? What if they ask me a question after I say it!?!

Yesterday I found out about a great internet deal on Christmas cards - too good to pass up. I stayed up until 1:30 entering addresses, only to discover the site was telling me some of the addresses were incomplete. I knew I had to solve the problem right away in order the get the one-day price, so I looked up the customer service number.

And then a very strange thing happened. I started getting that inward panic feeling again as I went for the phone. It was the first time since we've been here that I've made a "business" type call back to the States. I had to remind myself that this time I could talk in English and the problem should easily be figured out.

And it was. No confusion. No misunderstandings. No incorrect word endings. No repeating the same thing again. No worries about what to say next. It was so amazingly simple.

And hopefully someday it will be simple here as well. But until then, I'll use that inward panic feeling as a motivation for another hour, another day, of language study.