February 28, 2006

Loss

It is amazing how loss can change your life forever. It changes your perspective, your relationships, your memories, your outlook on life, and your hopes and dreams for the future.

That's what happened to us when Jason's dad passed away on New Year's Day. I will never forget that day, nor do I want to in many ways. On one hand it was a nightmare, on the other hand a surreal dream. At times a curse, at times a blessing. Unreal, yet at times too real.

My mind has now accepted it, but yet I wish it wasn't true. I wish we could rewind the clock, as though we could somehow change the outcome God ordained since the day He created the world. I wish that by changing his outcome we could then change ours, since life will never be the same.

My children will never know their grandpop, will never go pheasant hunting with Buddy, will never hear him preach from his pulpit, will never learn from his godly example. My husband has lost his father, his friend, his mentor, his example, his guide.

He left at the worst time and at the best time. He left in peace, but left us in turmoil. He rejoices with the Lord, while we look to the Lord for guidance. His heart will beat on for eternity in Heaven, but our heart yearns for his to beat once again here on earth.

Seeing the impact his life had on others made us realize how important a life well-lived really is. He pastored a small, sometimes struggling, church in N.J. for 30 years. Many thought he was wasting his efforts, I'm sure. At his funeral, we saw that all his investments, most of them eternal, were reaping large dividends. His "portfolio" was very broad, risky, and at times uncertain. The Lord gave the increase - more than he probably ever imagined.

I do not know why God chose to take him from us, but I hope that in our loss we can not only help others, but also learn to live. To live for others, for our family, for our church, and mostly for our Lord...

...because in his dying, we saw that was exactly what he did.